Item of the Day: Hatin' on Babies

Hey, parents! Do you think you might be a crazy person who thinks that your child is the second coming? And therefore your child's needs take precedent over everything and everyone else, including heart attack victims? Well, now you can find out, absolutely free!

The following quiz consists of several true-life scenarios. Simply choose the answer that best fits how you would act in the given situation. At the end of the quiz, just tally up your points, and you'll be able to find out whether or not you're fit to raise a child, you inconsiderate turd!

1. You're at the gym with your 3-year-old, Ferdinand. You think it would be a great idea for Ferdinand to play ping-pong, RIGHT NOW. You see a line at the help desk, where they will give Ferdinand paddles and a ball. You:

a. Walk to the front of the line, and sidle Ferdinand right in front of a very tall woman with long brown hair, a UFT card, and a strong desire to attend cardio kickboxing class in the next two minutes. What? Ferdinand MUST get his balls NOW, or so help me God, he will have a TANTRUM.
b. Wait patiently in line for Ferdinand to get his equipment. He's the next Agassi (of ping pong), everyone!
c. Umm...Ferdinand can't even reach the ping-pong table, so...this scenario is stupid.

2. You're taking your 5-month-old daughter, Violetta Max Pearson, for a walk in her ginormo stroller (for serious, this thing is like an army tank). You approach a skinny patch of sidewalk where not all the snow has been shoveled. A tall woman with long brown hair, a goofy hat, and a basket full of laundry has already begun to traverse this narrow icy road. You:

a. Continue to push little Violetta Max Pearson down the sidewalk, causing the tall woman to go careening into the snowbank. What's a few pairs of socks, anyway? Violetta NEEDS to get to her baby banjo class at Beansprouts!
b. Reluctantly let the tall woman pass, rolling your eyes as she does.
c. Wait your turn like the freaking decent person you are.

3. You're in a public bathroom with your 6-year-old adopted multiracial daughter, Strength. While you are doing your makeup, Strength has wandered over to the light switch, where she is threatening to turn off all of the lights. You:

a. Say in your most gentle, soothing voice, "Strength, please don't turn the lights off. There are other people in here." When Strength - to your SURPRISE and SHOCK - turns off the lights, you chuckle and say, "Now, that isn't very nice, Strength!" In the darkness, you turn to what you think are people (say, maybe the same tall woman from scenarios 1 and 2, along with her shorter - but probably angrier - friend), and give a simpering smile. Don't kids just do the darndest things?!
b. You yell at Strength to march her behind away from the lights, NOW, or she will not get the Sparkle Pony Wonder Corvette for her weekly Thursday night gift-a-thon.
c. WTF. This happened??

How to calculate your results:

Mostly A's: You are definitely not fit to be a parent. Sell your baby to a hardworking couple in Nebraska and buy a new pair of rainbow suspenders and a vintage fedora.

Mostly B's: Check yourself before you wreck yourself, baby machine. We get it - you're a parent, and you have a cute baby. But that doesn't mean that your baby OWNS you. YOU have to be in control of your baby loving, otherwise your baby is going to turn into a hipster douche, just like you.

Mostly C's: I would like to buy you a drink. But you live in the suburbs, don't you?